[cease]
It's been a few days. It still stings to know how unsafe all of this is. I don't regret letting him go, I can't regret letting him go. It's the way it had to be, he had to leave, he could let Hamraville suffocate and choke him. And as much as it hurt to watch him go, it would have hurt more to see the increasing pain he felt each day, if he had stayed on in Colin's flat. I didn't call Colin, I was too ashamed to let him know that's I'd let Ezra go, that I'd sent him out into harm's way, that I hadn't had the power to hold him back. But I wasn't guilty. I hadn't done anything he wouldn't have done already.
So when Colin burst into the Pheonix today while I was working, I had everything I wanted to say already planned out.
"Aemi, I need to talk to you, NOW."
We went into the back room. Jane took over the counter. She knew something was up. He cornered me. "Aemi, the VAN's gone... you gave him the keys, didn't you." I didn't say a word. "Didn't You?!"
"Yes! Yes, Colin I did. He had to go, he would have gone even if I hadn't given him the van keys."
"I'm really disappointed in you, Aemi."
"Goddamit Colin! What could I have done? We can't protect him anymore, he was desperate, he was suffocating."
"He was SAFE!"
"He was dying. He's making his way south. I don't know if he'll make it, but it's not my responsibility anymore. He needed to do it. It was my choice to give him those keys, Colin, because I knew what he needed to do. You can hate me all you want, you can be as disappointed with me as you want. He wants to make it to the PFLZ border, he wants to help Zachary and Mazzie and Zoe, and there's nothing more we can do anymore."
A voice came from the door. "Maybe the ceasefire will help him out."
We both whirled around to see Jane standing in the doorway. At the same time, we both exclaimed out: "What?"
"Have you guys read the news recently? There's been a ceasefire... it's temporary, but both sides are keeping. Maybe it'll help your friend get past the boundary."
I shoot her a look. "You were listening?"
"Aemi, the whole cafe would have been listening. You're lucky as hell that no one's here."
Colin shakes his head and looks down. "If this ceasefire is for real, maybe Ezra has a chance."
"I'd like to think so, Colin. I'd like to think so."
I don't know where things are headed now. Ezra's gone. I'll spend every day worrying about him... and probably will until I get a letter, or anything. Colin called me tonight to tell me he was coming over, that home was lonely by himself. I think I'll be seeing more of him now that we're alone, 2/3 of a whole. I want to tell Edward about all of this, I feel like if I could tell him my stories of travelling Brynania, he might be able to tell me all of his. These days it feels like so many people are missing, so much of our lives are missing, pieces of us (physical and emotional) are missing, that the only thing we can do is stick together, try and play family, fill each others gaps. Because that's the only thing we can really do now, and the only thing we can really do at all.